I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
