Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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