I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
