what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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