i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Let's paint friendship bongs
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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