Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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