I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
