My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
