he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
