i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
