just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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