So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
