I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
