tell your sister to shave her snatch
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
