Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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