Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we're making bets on your personal life
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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