Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
