I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
