Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
