You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
