I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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