About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
