His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
