ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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