Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
