Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
