The maid of honor just puked.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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