how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
