ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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