I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
