I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
