Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
