im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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