apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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