I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
