Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
