I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
