I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
