why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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