distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
