He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
