High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
