True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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