In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
