Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
