Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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