ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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