So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
