Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
