last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
