That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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