i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
