I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
